March 27, 1992
Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend
The ENORMOUSLY-talented Karen Pombo demonstrates how one pathetic lonely guy spent his entire life savings on calls girls in less than two weeks, in the best movie of 1992, "Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend."
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
The best drive-in movie of 1992 is 'Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend,' the latest from Denver's one-man film industry, independent director Ronnie Cramer. Watch a chubby Omaha security guard in a lumpy golf shirt spend his entire life savings on call girls in less than two weeks!
Andren Scott is the actor who plays Marcus Templeton, a guy so depressed that he sits in his bathtub for hours with the phone sitting on the commode, trying to think of somebody to call. He eats frozen dinners and Slim Jims, watches porno strippers on cable in his underwear, buys a jar of 'Reduce-o-cream' ('as safe as any garden vegetable') to make himself more attractive to women, tries to talk to women who are repulsed by him, considers a 'Wonder Corset,' wonders if someday he'll become a serial killer or whether he's currently insane, goes to the library to research the subject, and calls girls up for dates with opening lines like 'We could go to lunch. There's a Sinclair station near your house that has sandwiches on sale for $1.49.'
I think you can tell where this is leading--straight to the Yellow Pages section marked 'Escort Services.' Marcus gets so deep into hookeritis that pretty soon he's tape-recording his sessions, and about eight hookers down the road, he makes his fatal mistake: he buys a video camera.
How many times have I told you guys? It SOUNDS like a good idea, but talk to Rob Lowe first. Uh-uh. I don't think so.
Here's the real scary part. Ronnie claims that this movie is '99 per cent true.'
This is one of the funniest goldurn movies I've ever watched, but it's prob'ly not available in video stores or theaters, so if you want to order one from Ronnie, send me an SASE and I'll send you the order form: Joe Bob, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221.
We're talking 28 breasts. Six strippers. Eight hookers. Aardvarking. Brain in a jar. Butt tattoo. Frequent indigestion. Gratuitous Pee Wee Herman doll. Crab Fu. Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Ronnie Cramer, the genius who previously directed the violent drug drama 'Back Street Jane'; and Andren Scott, as Marcus Templeton, for saying 'My heart is bound to explode if I keep eating like this' and 'I could go buy something at the store--those people HAVE to talk to you' and 'I wish I could safely pull out my heart and massage it' and 'That chin is being swallowed up by the abyss once known as my neck' and 'At least this is better than my last job, changing those aromatic urinal cakes' and 'Am I going insane? I hope I'm just drunk' and 'This is kind of expensive, but it'll be worth it to go out on a date' and 'I should eat at home and save my money for call girls' and 'Can I feel those?'
Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out.
April 20, 1992
We Are the Weird
Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend is a black comedy that recently wrapped production in Colorado under the direction of Ronnie Cramer, the one-man Denver film industry. (In 1989 he released the no-budget crime drama Back Street Jane, which has developed somewhat of a cult following, mostly through mail order video.) Andren Scott, Monica McFarland and Rebecca Watson star. We love the poster. It has a giant photo of a hard-bitten, big-breasted blond bombshell, and a much smaller photo of a guy in a golf shirt, with the tag line, 'Watch This Lonely Bastard Spend His Entire Life Savings on call Girls in Less Than Two Weeks!' - Joe Bob Briggs
Psychotronic Video Magazine
Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend
(Scorched Earth, 91) D/music Ronnie Cramer
The maker of Back Street Jane is back with another one. It's about a soft-spoken depressed voyeur security guard who eats beef jerky and watches cable TV in his underwear. He also narrates and/or thinks out loud through the whole tape. He starts worrying that he looks like a serial killer and his father shows up on TV to criticize him. He starts calling for hookers (and bargains them down on the phone), gets a video camera and tapes the paid-for sex. He also gets crabs and has even more problems. The music (by Cramer's Alarming Trends) is fine and most of the movie is pretty believable but it sure isn't much fun to watch. It was shot in Omaha. - Michael Weldon
The Making of Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend or 'How to Complete a Feature in 30 Days While Turning Your Hair Gray' by Ronnie Cramer
August 28, 1992
Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In
Dear Editor [San Francisco Chronicle]:
By the year 2000, let's hope that people of both sexes will shake their heads in disbelief that a big-city family newspaper, less than a decade earlier, published sexist, ageist, racist, classist crudity such as Joe Bob Briggs' column on April 5, 1992, and called it amusing.
Under the guise of a . . . critic pushing a scatological mail-order movie about flatulence that is so poor not even a video store will carry it (buy it through Briggs), the sleazy humorist came up with an innovative way for men to deal with romantic urges of spring: Have unprotected sex with hookers. He also condoned alcohol abuse, encouraged criminal activity and indicated that all women are prostitutes, it's just that hookers tell men the price up front. ("Do you know where your mother is tonight?" he might have asked.)
The link between poverty and racism means that most prostitutes are the young, uneducated, non-Anglo women he dehumanizes as African pigs or 'aardvarks.'
Briggs also makes use of the racist stereotype that connects the black image with sexuality and trivializes a whole African culture when he says, 'Hormones start doing the Watusi."
Chronicle, where is your head buried? You call this art?
Stinson Beach, Calif.
Let's see here, where do I start?
1) 'Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend' is not about flatulence. It's about hookers. Maybe you missed my review of 'Night Patrol.' Now THAT was about flatulence.
2) Ronnie Cramer's movies are sold by him directly because he CHOOSES to do it that way. Don't put the man down just because you can't get his stuff at Blockbuster Video.
3) Honey, it's virtually IMPOSSIBLE to have unprotected sex with a hooker. Obviously, YOU are the one who thinks those girls are idiots.
4) I never made one single remark about black women. You been thinkin too much.
5) 'Aardvark' is a verb.
6) The Watusi is a dance.
Maybe by the year 2000, people will shake their heads in disbelief and say, 'Do you realize that, as late as 1992, Joe Bob could STILL get a rise out of those people? Too bad they all got brain tumors and died. Joe Bob had to stop writing his column for a lack of angry flatulence-haters.'
Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend D: Ronnie Cramer
I thoroughly enjoyed this independent and extremely offbeat productions by the same people who made Back Street Jane. Essentially, what we have here now is a comedy in the Woody Allen mode (early Woody Allen that is) with some poor schmuck telling us, through personal narration, his trials and tribulations of how he lost his life savings spending dimes and dollars on call girls. I know for a personal fact everyone reading this magazine can relate and sympathize with this fellow. I know I did. This film has some damn good dialogue. The story is actually very funny and the call girls are luscious. One girl has huge breasts - breasts so big I wish I had a pair of my own. A funny subplot in the film has our hero resembling a serial killer ransacking the neighborhood. But I must warn you that this is not an action packed film, it's a talky picture made by some intelligent people with excellent senses of humor. I highly recommend it. - Keith J. Crocker
Cult Movies Magazine
Scorched Earth Productions may have a new cult hit on their hands with their release of the film Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend, a show with a very definite tone about it, sustained throughout. Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend is a hilarious new black comedy about a lonely night watchman and his unsuccessful relationships with women. The feature was directed by Colorado filmmaker Ronnie Cramer, whose previous credits include the critically acclaimed crime drama Back Street Jane.
In Hitler, Andren Scott plays the part of a 30-year-old security guard whose social life consists of looking at pornography, then having call girls come over to his house for expensive and degrading sexual encounters. His attempts at normal dates prove equally disastrous, so Marcus tries a number of ways to improve himself, including buying a corset to make himself look slimmer and studying self-hypnosis to help correct his mental outlook. Other cast members include Sheila Ivy Traister and Monica McFarland. Traister plays a crime reporter describing the scene of a multiple murder, while McFarland appears as a foul-mouthed prostitute whom Marcus secretly videotapes.
Other cameo performers include body builder Cindy Radiff, Emmy Award winning TV producer Jean Wolf (Kid Bits), Karen Burns, dancer for the Nashville Ballet Company, and Rhonda Boshau, winner of the 1990 Playboy magazine talent search, who was dismissed after refusing to sign an exclusive, five-year 'non-nudity' agreement. Says Boshau, 'They wanted five years of my life for a lousy $10,000 prize. I make that much in a few months dancing part time!'
Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend was shot in Omaha, Denver and rural South Dakota, from an original story called 'Born to Lose' by David Manning and T.G. Baker. The film's musical score was provided by Alarming Trends, a rock group founded by director Ronnie Cramer, who plays guitar in the band. Trends vocalist Rebecca Watson also makes an appearance in the film, playing one of the many women with whom our hero strikes out.
Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend
dir. Ronnie Cramer
Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend is a film for fans, enthusiasts and connoisseurs of bodacious ta-tas and big old titties, a 98-minute black comedy crammed full of enormous meat pillows, large hooters and colossal milksacks. This parade of breasticles is the Ben-Hur of big-titty movies.
The story centers around a chubby night security guard named Marcus Templeton. This guy is a loser from the Old School. He sits around his apartment in stained underpants, eating Slim Jims and watching pornos of - yes, you guessed it - big old titties, displayed by bleach-blonde babes who look really tired. You might say Marcus has too much free time on his hands.
He takes up the hobby of spending all his savings on call girls. This results in his contracting crabs, being called a serial killer and finally getting blown away by a heat-packing hooker.
The high point is Marcus' witty, deadpan dialogue: '$200 an hour for a hooker! You should be ale to disembowel them for that kind of money!' The low point is when ten minutes pass without seeing big old titties. - Harmon Leon
They Won't Stay Dead
Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend
Directed by: Ronnie Cramer. 98 m. 91. Scorched Earth Productions. Starring: Andren Scott.
Marcus Templeton should be pitied, not ridiculed. Forced to work nights (as a security guard), all Marcus knows of women is learned from skin mags and Cable-X TV. After spending countless hours in the bathtub - phone silently sitting by his side - Marcus begins to ring up call girls in a feeble attempt at love and companionship. Of course, the girls are repulsed by his awkward ways (and the fact that he resembles a cop and a serial-killer-at-large), but that doesn't stop him from continuing his hopeless breast-obsessed fixations. First secretly recording his encounters on audio tape - to re-live the experience later - he soon graduates to a video camera to tape the sessions. So socially retarded is Marcus, that when he finally does get a date with a woman he doesn't have to pay for, the only thing he can think to ask her is if he can feel her breasts. After she declines his advances, he asks if he can just see them for a second.
Am I the only one to see the obvious here?
Marcus is the perfect loser. Unable to relate in any way other than sexual to women, and being shunned by them when he does. In other words, your average American male, schooled by Playboy, laughed at and put down by those he longs for the most. So, like any other average American male, when he can't get what he wants through 'normal' means, he pays for it. It's the American way.
Cramer has created the perfect comedy situation; while we're laughing at Marcus' futile dilemma, we cringe at the same time, knowing that Marcus' frustrations (weight problems, loneliness, fear of death, etc.) hit us close to home. Too close for some. Besides making us laugh, Cramer makes us feel, and ultimately, makes us feel guilty for laughing.
Perhaps you think I'm digging too deep here, into what is essentially a 'black comedy' with a plethora of nude cuties showing their stuff, but consider this: when you spill your beer as any one of the many girls pop their blouse and expose their bountiful boobs for all to see, you are as pathetic as Marcus.
Regardless of intentions, Even Hitler had a Girlfriend is remarkably well done, adeptly acted, thought-provoking, painfully humorous, and above all wonderfully entertaining. You owe it to yourself to get this one. - Brian Johnson
Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend
Directed and Edited by Ronnie Cramer. Written by David Manning. Original Music by Alarming Trends. Starring Andren Scott, Rebecca Watson, Jim Norton, Jean Wolf, Sarah Young.
I hope that somehow, this movie can get into the VCRs of as many people as possible. Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend is truly an instant, underground classic.
Director Ronnie Cramer, writer David Manning and actor Andren Scott have created one of the blackest comedies ever made.
Although very funny, this film intelligently shows the ugly side of loneliness. Also, the wonderful soundtrack by Alarming Trends keeps the movie on an even line between comedy and tragedy.
This adult-only tale takes us on a long, dark journey through a man's addiction to call girls. The film is both funny and smart. Cramer wisely avoids turning this into a porno, which it could have easily become.
However, be warned, there is an unbelievable amount of gratuitous nudity throughout this movie. The real surprise, though, is not that most of the naked women are beautiful, but they all can act. his is often rare in low budget pictures of this type.
In short, Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend is a one-of-a-kind little gem that I hope is soon discovered. - Rated 5 - Mike Trippiedi
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A thirty-year-old security guard (Andren Scott) with no friends, charisma, love life or future is the star of this black comedy.
Comedy doesn't seem like the right word to describe this tale of loneliness and possible mental illness of the main character.
How does a loser find happiness and romance? He buys it. He also buys everything that comes with this lifestyle: crabs, loss of money, etc.
The hookers and strippers all had the vacant look and great bodies that you see on the streets of any big city.
The narration by Scott was perfect; monotone, bland and lifeless, just like the life of the character he played.
I thought this film was a little too long, but it was well made by director Ronnie Cramer.
The editing, sound, lighting and acting were all nicely done. All the hookers were surprisingly good. Normally in a movie of this type, the ladies with the biggest assets have the worst acting skills. Not here. Nice job. - Rated 4 - George Davis
- - - - -
Wow! That about sums up how I feel about this amazing trip into the pathetic life of a lonely security guard.
I hope that director Ronnie Cramer is saving his money so that he can enter this at the Cannes Film Festival, because this is just the type of movie that I could see a small distributor picking up. It worked for Sam Raimi, I don't see why it wouldn't work for Cramer.
Cramer and his cast of top-notch, sexy strippers give us viewers a seedy evening of fun. All the performances are good, but the stand-out ones are Jeannette Feher, who at one point romances a disembodied human brain; Jean Wolf as the shy blind date; and Sarah Young as the whore who has had enough.
Adding to the fun is Andren Scott as the pathetic Marcus Templeton. He is so good that I'm wondering if he was really acting. Buy this film. - Rated 5 - Brian Rafferty
Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend
(D) Ronnie Cramer (1991)
But there's little chance of the protagonist of this amusing black comedy ever getting one. I mean this guy's social skills are so limited that he makes Gary Heidnik of Jeffrey Dahmer look like Cary Grant by comparison. Not that our hero - whose name is Marcus Templeton - is homicidal; it's just that he hasn't a clue as to how to treat a girl. When his mother sets him up with an older woman from her church, Marcus doesn't ask her if she wants a drink, or whether she's read any good books lately; he asks if he can feel her breasts. And when Marcus does manage to bring himself to ask a lady for a date, it's not to go to a movie or restaurant but to his aunt's funeral or to a convenience store to get some of those delicious plastic wrapped sandwiches that have been marked down to a dollar fifty.
Part of the explanation for Marcus' behavior is that he works nights as a security guard and thus doesn't get the opportunity to socialize. Another reason for our hero's social retardation is his total immersion in an erotic world of fantasy. You see, Marcus refuses to watch anything but the triple X cable channel or soft core horror films or to 'read' anything other than pornographic magazines. Of course none of this would matter if Marcus looked vaguely human. As you may have guessed by now, this sap isn't the best looking guy in the world. He's barely 5'8, weighs well over two hundred pounds and overall sports a look of dull, insipid stupefaction. Imagine a raccoon on a bender and you've got Marcus.
Even humanoids get lonely after a while, and so overcoming his fear of rejection, Marcus begins to lavishly spend all his money on local call girls. On his initial encounters, Marcus tapes his conversations, but when the novelty of that wears off, he sets up a video camera in his bedroom completely unconcerned that his 'dates' may not take so kindly to being surreptitiously recorded for posterity. When a paranoid prostitute discovers his shabby set-up, the hapless Marcus finds himself staring down the barrel of a gun.
Boasting a surprisingly witty and mordant screenplay, Hitler cleverly utilizes voice over narration to disguise its modest production values. The acting is a little amateurish at times, but Andren Scott is quite convincing in the part of the pathetic Marcus. Shambling through the hallways of his house in his underwear and socks, speaking to us in an exhausted, childishly peevish tone, Scott turns the neat trick of making Marcus something of a paradox: irritating yet sympathetic; frightening yet soothingly banal. He's an obese manchild walking a fine line between catatonic withdrawal and spirited assertiveness. Cramer, who also directed the crime drama Back Street Jane, has done a nice job of editing and pacing and has assembled a gorgeous cast of cuties to appear in various states of dishabille. So luscious are the women that I seriously doubt most men will notice the film's moodily playful score which comes courtesy of Alarming Trends, a rock group which Cramer founded and for whom he plays lead guitar. (Available from Scorched Earth.)
Even Hitler Had a Girlfriend
1991. 98 min. Scorched Earth Productions
Poor Marcus Templeton. By night he's an introverted nerd security guard. By day he's an introverted nerd who sits in his underwear and watches naked girls on cable TV. Figuring there's gotta be more than this, he calls up a few old girlfriends who kiss him off. Then he tries call girls, who come over and humiliate him in the process.
Ah, but Marcus has one over on them; he secretly videotapes the bedroom exploits so he can re-live the 'fun' the next day. This works out well until one babe catches on to the video eavesdropping...
Templeton is a pitiful excuse for a man; overweight, boring, and with as much self-esteem as a piece of greasy, cold bacon. You can't really feel sorry for him, and when he gets his just desserts, you're kind of glad.
Directed by Ronnie Cramer, who also did Back Street Jane a few years back, this is just one more example of how good low-budget films can be. Cramer did this in 16mm and the video transfer is great. The sickening, boring monologue, as Templeton narrates throughout the film, strangely holds your attention. Cramer is fast becoming the John Waters of the Denver area, where most of the film was shot. Returning from Back Street Jane in supporting roles are Sheila Ivy Traister and Monica McFarland.
One big thing going for Hitler is the soundtrack provided by Cramer's band Alarming Trends. The music is great and more people should be aware of the band and Cramer's ability to make movies. - Todd Bearny